Wanting to Change

Sometimes I am not happy. There, I said it.   err..  wrote it.  That’s not an easy thing for me to admit. Oh sure, I know  it’s ok and being human doesn’t mean being happy all the time but never the less I don’t necessarily want people to IMG_0221know that.  It probably has something to do with that old belief of “putting on a good front” or “what will the neighbors think”. You will remember…..if your old like me, it was not ok to let people know what was really going on.

Today is a little different. People are being more open about their lives, their struggles and their shame.

Sometimes it is a chosen path. A decision. A time to say this is me and although I am not perfect I can accept myself where I am and still be on a path to change.

Sometimes, It is forced. An out of control addiction puts someones shame out in the open for everyone to see.

And sometimes…. it’s reality tv.

No matter how someones hidden secrets are revealed one thing is for sure.  It is met with either praise or judgment.

It’s the judgment part that keeps me quiet.  So naturally I don’t want you to know the truth…… I don’t want to be judged.

The funny thing is, I am judging myself. All—-the—–time.  It starts with me and then I project it out and assume everyone else is judging me too. Of course there will be real A-holes out there, but for the most part people are connecting with the same issues. That is why….

On the flip side. I have such respect for those who are brave enough to share their truth. There are those moments where I can say “me too” and the more I work with people and do my own work I see how alike we all are.

As I continue to become more of who I am, I also hope share where I am, but I am still a little scared. Judgment has been with me a long time and it’s a hard one to quiet.

So, for right now, I am choosing to accept where I am, even though I am wanting to change.

Wishing you all the same.